Hey there, Newlywed!
There is nothing quite like planning to spend the rest of your life with your best friend. It is full of anticipation, excitement, joy, and love. As you plan your wedding, you will make decisions about the venue, music, cake, and the thousands of other seemingly small details that might make your head spin.
But even after all that, you know that at the end of the day, you have your man there to fall into. And after the wedding, more often than not, you will at least spend every night together, even if you hardly spend your days together.
You will have someone to come home to, someone who misses you when you’re apart, someone to cosy up with in front of a winter fire, and someone who will be your Forever Valentine. Sharing your life with your best friend is typically one of the best decisions you will ever make.
But I read a blog post once on the topic of remembering your spouse after having kids. Becky Thompson laid it out beautifully and her post is actually what inspired me to write this blog post.
Ladies, once you go from girlfriend to fiancé and then to wife, the relationship between you and your husband may not change a whole lot. Sure, you spend more time together, you learn to live together, and you learn a whole lot about the other person. But, for the most part, it is pretty much just you and your spouse. You can be fully wrapped up in each other and it’s expected by most people that you are this way. It’s usually referred to as “Newlywed Bliss” or the “Honeymoon Phase”.
My advice to new wives –
Before you become mothers, love and cherish the time you have with your husbands. Keep a journal and write down your adventures, write how he makes you feel, and write about how he shows you he loves you. Write about the things you do for him. What were his reactions when you first made certain meals? Or did he do all the cooking? Write it all down. It will help you when you need to remember why you fell in love, why you got married, and why you chose to share your life with him. And yes, there will be times when you need to remember because those little things may no longer exist.
When you begin to grow your family, things will change. It may not change much within the first year, it may not even be until you are two or three kids in. But at some point, just as Becky says,
“There will come a day when your husband walks in the door and you do not turn around. You will be preoccupied with filling sippy cups and wiping booties.”
This hit home for me the day I read it because I realized, this is where I am. We have four children, the oldest of whom just turned four, and this is my life. I fill sippy cups, I wipe booties, I give bubble baths, I change clothes, I clean up spills, I home-school our oldest, I run, and I run. My husband comes home after work, and he is greeted by our beautiful (usually clean) children. Meanwhile, I throw a “Hi” his way while I’m standing at the sink washing dishes (or something else). My hair is often in a bun regardless of the day, and sometimes, I haven’t showered in a couple of days.
Our life is very much lived passing each other by. And when we do communicate, it is most often about the kids’ schedule, the kids’ food, or some other conversation or argument about the kids. And, oh my days, the arguments. My husband and I never use to argue as much as we do now. We used to say, after any argument, “We always come out stronger on the other side.” Y’all, I don’t remember the last time we said that, or the last time I even felt that.
As much as I loved my husband when I married him, and as much as I love our children now, I am honestly not loving this season of marriage. And that is okay. Being a wife is hard. Being a mom is hard. And when those two things make up your entire life, LIFE is hard. This is why we must keep our thoughts, minds, and hearts in the Word. We cannot do this life without God, not joyfully or successfully. I feel like I am speaking to myself just as much as I am speaking to anyone else who one day might read these words.
Life is hard, and that is okay.
Each season brings with it a different kind of hard. For the things I find second nature now, somewhere out there is a first-time momma who is pulling her hair out. For the things I find difficult and emotionally draining, there might be a grandmother out there who would tell me that this parenting-together thing gets a little easier with time. Meanwhile, she and her husband may be struggling to rekindle the flame in their marriage now that their youngest child has moved out.
This season for you is just that, a season. As you and your husband prepare to grow your family, remember the things you love about him. When you are several children in, knee-deep in diapers, elbow-deep in dirty dishes, ankle-deep in toys and sippy cups, look back at what you’ve written down and remember. Remember to love him now, just as you loved him then. Remember to be excited to see him when he comes home. Not just because you have two extra hands to help with the kids, but because you genuinely missed him you’re glad to see him. Always respect him and show him that you appreciate everything he does for you and for your family. Respect is the number one thing that most men want from their wives. Especially when he is working outside the home every day to provide for his family.
I urge you to write down, or document in some way, as much as you can about him right now. In this phase of life, before you begin growing your family. It will help you remember so much clearer when those memories inevitably become a little bit fuzzy.
Thank you so much for spending some time with me today,
See you in the next one.
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